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“Midsommar”: The MAGA Version

June 20, 2020


Okay, here’s the plot: A white supremist cult has taken over America, but there is growing opposition and big protests keep erupting in cities across the country. The cult’s Dear Leader, a sociopath who feeds off the adulation of his followers and demands obsequious devotion from his subordinates, feels threatened and demands a massive police response and calls troops into the streets to control the protests, but this just galvanizes the protesters. They surround the White House, and Dear Leader scurries in fear to an underground bunker, but this just inspires popular derision and ridicule. So Dear Leader tells his Evil Sidekick, who controls the nation’s law enforcement, to clear the streets so he can appear strong in public. The Evil Sidekick mobilizes mounted cops and troops armed with tear gas and rubber bullets to run the protesters off. Dear Leader strides out of the White House flanked by ranks of cops in riot gear and followed by his daughter and most loyal flunkies to hold up a Bible in front of a church in a mystifying ceremony. But the protests continue.

At the same time a deadly plague is ravaging the country. More than 2 million people have caught the virus and 120,000 have been killed by it. Dear Leader tells his followers that it will miraculously disappear and everything will be fine, and they believe him. Doctors and scientists, however, say that people should close their businesses and retreat into their homes to keep the plague from spreading. Most people do that, and for a while it seems to be working. But Dear Leader is angry, because the plague makes him look weak, so he declares that it is over. Besides, he’s bored and craves the adoration of his cult. So he demands that the country open up again and people should return to their restaurants and bars and gyms and beaches and nail salons. And they do, because they want it to be over too, and they’re tired of being cooped up with their wives and husbands and children watching Netflix and Tik Tok videos. But the plague strikes back with renewed fury.

What is Dear Leader to do? The number of plague victims keeps rising and makes him look bad. Racist cops kill more black people, which multiplies the protests and brings more white people into the streets in solidarity. People start to whisper that Dear Leader is losing it and his support among the people is waning. He fears the courts might be turning on him as well, even the judges he installed himself. There are investigations led by an independent US attorney that may be going badly for him. He tells Evil Sidekick to remove the threat by firing the US Attorney, but the US Attorney refuses to leave.

Aha! says Dear Leader, I’ll stage a massive rally to show how much my followers adore me! Doctors and scientists plead that this is dangerous and people will get sick and die. But Dear Leader doesn’t care. “I’ll just make them sign a pledge not to sue me if they get the plague,” he says. “Besides, it’s probably only the old ones that will die anyway, and they’re just dead weight on the economy. Their kids will thank me because they’ll get their inheritance quicker.”

Now where and when shall we have the rally? Dear Leader consults the Malevolent Gollum, who loves putting brown children in cages. Oklahoma!, he says. They love you there. Let’s see, how about Tulsa! Next year is the centennial of the massacre there where white people rioted and destroyed a prosperous black community and killed lots of black people. The symbolism is perfect! And let’s do it on Juneteenth when black people celebrate emancipation from slavery. That’s makes it even better!

And so the decree went out, and the faithful gathered in their MAGA gear. Some burned face masks ceremonially to show how much they love Dear Leader. Actors were recruited on Craigslist just in case the crowd looked a little skimpy. Dear Leader threatened protesters with dire consequences if they showed up to demonstrate.

And now we await Dear Leader’s appearance on the stage. What will he say? What will they do?

I’m having a little trouble with the ending.

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